The Neenuh Bridal Workout (TM)

Ever since I came home from France people have been making comments on my weight (as in the loss thereof). I was never quite sure how to take it, because I returned at the exact same weight I left at, and I didn't feel like I looked any different. I guess dedicated Francey Pantsers were just hyper-aware of how often I was stuffing whole sticks of butter down my gullet in the form of pastries and thus expected me to have ballooned in girth. What they don't know is calories just don't exist in France.

I have noticed in the last couple of weeks, however, that my pants are in fact getting looser. I protested to the folks who commented on it that I really can't take credit for it, as I have been keeping up my daily fromage allotment as much as my funemployment salary allows. But then I realized that's not exactly true. Without quite meaning to, I've commenced a bridal workout regimen that must be responsible for my newly svelte shape. Either that or I have a tapeworm.

f you just follow these same fitness techniques, the pounds are sure to melt right off your booty as well!*


1. Go for one 30-minute jog/walk once a month. 

A few weeks ago I realized I left my toothbrush at the Dude's. I needed to brush my fangs, stat, so despite the fact that it was noon-thirty on an 85-degree day, I decided to run from my apartment to Walgreens. I arrived panting like a dog in heat, coated in a thick layer of glow. I zigzagged the streets on the way back, telling myself I had to run the North-South roads, but could walk East-West. I got home, collapsed in front of the fan, and vowed that I would never do something as miserable as running ever again.

2. Heft one KitchenAid standing mixer in one arm for 15 minutes and try to look pretty whilst so doing. 

Photo by Tom Sweeney, Star Tribune via here

A reporter friend passed along my name to one of her colleagues who was doing a 'ticle on brides who love their standing mixers. The photographer stopped by last Thursday to get a snap of me with my Precious. At first he posed me nuzzling its side while it rested on the table, but he decided it would make a better shot if I was holding it. So I hefted all 25 pounds of Ol' Greeny onto my hip as if it were my own babe. Then I Vanna White-d the heck out of that thing for a good 15 minutes. My arm ached for HOURS. Which means it was a really good workout.

3. Do hot bus yoga. 

It was murderously hot in Mipples a few weeks ago, and you could barely move without your face turning beet red from exertion. I had planned to take the bus down to the 'burbs to see the Dude. I ended up missing my first bus, which resulted in my having to wait half an hour in the blazing sun for the next one. When I got on, huge backpack and shopping bag of nup crafting supplies in tow, there was standing room only. So I had to grasp the luggage racks on both sides of the aisle, underarms bared to the world, and hang on for dear life during our half-hour careening through the southern metro. A few jolts and swerves made the heads of the poor men to my sides nestle right into my pits. . The bracing, contorting and core strengthing I had to do to prevent this from reoccurring was the equivalent of one sesh of bikram.


4. Put together an army of gift bags for your out-of-town guests.

Go to Sam's Club. Buy the heaviest things you can find. Then bob over your bags like a mama bird feeding her young, swiftly depositing two of everything in each one. Calories burned: eleventy million.


*If by "pounds" you mean drops of sweat and by "booty" you mean forehead.