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August 12, 2008


For those of you who know me in the flesh, it may surprise you to learn that I am often painfully shy when it comes to situations I'm not comfortable with. It probably won't surprise you, however, to learn that with severe social anxiety comes an excruciating exacerbation of my natural awkwardness.

I'm trying really, really hard to make friends here, and thus far my strategy has been to be adorably quirky. But my jokes bomb every. stinking. time.

A few examples:

20-something tech dude: So how's your computer running?
Me: It's as swift as... as swift as an eagle swooping in toward its prey of... osprey.

Late 20s/ early 30s front desk lady: See you tomorrow!
Me: No, I'll see YOU tomorrow. (several meaningful looks before I leave the office and melt in embarrassment in the hallway)

Me: That smells good.
Mid-20s hipster grants lady: Thanks! It's broccoli, rice and fake chicken.
Me: Oh, are you vegetarian?
Her: No, I used to be but now I eat meat. I just often still eat like one.
Me: Yeah, I do too. I'm afraid of cooking meat... well, besides chicken boobs.
Her: (silence)

I think the worst gaffe came at an employee party the director hosted. I think the aforementioned 20-something tech dude is one of my best chances for friendship, so I approached him to initiate a conversation. My opening line?

"You remind me a lot of my ex-boyfriend."


  1. Oh girl, stay strong. The chicken boobs really gets me.

  2. You could try feigning laryngitis until they warm up to's a thought.

  3. You could try giving out Hallmark greeting cards, especially the ones with music? Or, why not cook up some jammies and jellies: they make dandy gifts.

  4. Funny post. Made me laugh.

  5. This post is charming because it's self-effacing yet not self-loathing, AND there's a nice touch of respect for the subjects. Well-done!

    As for the off-put colleagues, try making some delicious cookies. Win hearts through stomachs.

  6. haha Kat told me about your blog...very funny

    "chicken boobs" how could they not laugh at that?!? I say, keep going. If people aren't laughing, they probably aren't worth your time.

  7. The problem is not you. The problem is that people in Portland have no sense of humor and can't appreciate you. Come on home to Minnesota. We'll have a nice casserole waiting for you. A casserole and some bars.

  8. Oh-em-gee, I miss that sense of humor.