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July 28, 2013

It's like having a stuffed animal that's real

Remember way back five months ago when I desperately didn't want a dog and resorted to bargain witchery before I would consent to getting one?

Who could have guessed way back when that I would fall alarmingly in love with our canine, to the point where I would compose the following song about him:


I used to get annoyed with all the pet photos on my Instagram feed, and now I'm one of the worst offenders. Who can blame me when Freddy looks so darn good in every hat and/or scarf I put him in?

Exhibits A, B and C:


Having a pup isn't all anthropomorphizing and games. Following is a cold, hard look at the pros and cons of pet ownership that I've experienced in the past five months.

PROWLING THE NEIGHBORHOOD

PRO: We never would have met many of our neighbors if we didn't have to walk our beast past their abodes on a thrice-daily basis. The neighbor children love him, and when they see him coming an adorable chorus of, "Hi Freddy! Hi Freddy!" commences.

CON: Some of our older neighbors aren't quite as charmed by him. One woman banged on the inside of her living room window and yelled, "Seriously?!?!" when I let him pee at the edge of her yard.

FEELING FEELINGS

PRO: I cannot believe how much I love him. He is my princess monkey man dog face kitty.

CON: I'm constantly thinking about him when we're not together. I wonder who he's barking at and where he's taking a snooze and whether he's thinking about me, too.

SOCIAL LIFE

PRO: I'm never truly home alone anymore. Fred protects me from all the vicious bicycle-riding children and garbage trucks who dare pass by our property. Also, snuggling him is just the best. Especially when it's cold and you're watching a movie and all you want is a living, breathing fur coat on your lap.

CON: Fred is a very cute but very needy tether to the house. If I want to go out to happy hour, I can't just go; I need to make sure Matt can get home at a reasonable hour to take him out. No more spur-of-the-moment jaunts to Ibiza or Marrakesh, either. Plus, it turns out that he has a pretty bad case of the pukes every time we drive somewhere, meaning we have to be really committed before bringing him along.

DOG TALK

CON: Despite copious coaxing, Freddy refuses to speak English. I just want to know what he's thinking, and why he loves the taste of Noxema so much. I also would really love to teach him how to read so he could improve his mind while we're at work.