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December 9, 2008

The typical Portlander will sneer at you if:

  • You buy your groceries anywhere but at your local coop or the hippy favorite, New Seasons. At the very least you should go to Whole Foods. If you shop at local chain Fred Meyer's or Safeway you clearly want the bioterrorists to win. Go ahead. Buy that un-organic tomato. But I'd rather die a fiery death than eat it in the caprese salad you just made me.
  • You shop at any chain. What's that? You're getting your beloved episodes of Six Feet Under at Blockbuster because your aunt sent you a gift card? Way to support your local video store, jerk.
  • You use a car as your primary mode of transit. Ever heard of mass transit, dude? And this is only the most bike-able city EVER in the HISTORY of the UNIVERSE. I get 32 miles per burrito. What do you get?
  • You watch TV, especially crap TV like Gossip Girl or The Hills. The cool kids don't own TVs. We read episode recaps on Gawker and feel/act morally superior.
  • You buy new clothes. Pants: old drapes I sewed together. Shirt: a vintage, ironic Mickey Mouse shirt purchased for $2.00 from a homeless woman who threw in a paper clip necklace. Jewelry: paper clip necklace. Shoes: Kenneth Cole boots my mom sent me that I covered in duct tape to stave off embarrassment of wearing leather. Hat and scarf: knitted from the yarn of an unraveled thrift store sweater.
  • You attend less than three beer festivals in any given year. There's one practically every weekend so you have no excuse not to go and exclaim at the awesomeness of the latest jalapeno-strawberry-chocolate-coffee brew.
  • You throw anything away. That chicken carcass can be used (and reused, and reused) to make broth. That broken hanger could become a piece of art about the fragility of human experience. That notebook with one piece of paper left, that old shoelace, those stickers for the 99 cent roast beef special could all be donated to Scrap. Never, ever throw away or recycle coupons. People dumpster dive for them. Be grateful they're yours.
  • You don't devote a small part of your day to Keeping Portland Weird. Today I saw a man at the train station wearing a skull mask under his hoody and skeleton gloves. He was doing his part. It's time to do yours.


  1. OMFG...Today has been the longest day ever and that description of Portland just made my day.

  2. Um. The Hills recaps on Gawker are pretty much the only reason I drag my sorry ass out of bed every Tuesday morning. It's true I've never seen the show ... but anyone who reads and appreciates the Gawker recaps should feel morally superior. They're such beautiful little vignettes. They make my chest hurt.

  3. I know. Aren't they amazing? Did you read the Hills recap from last week? That was pure poetry.

  4. Hector and I love New Seasons!! But we shop at Safeway :-(

  5. Hector and I love New Seasons!! But we shop at Safeway :-(

  6. Dude! I have been living a totally wasteful life. Where can I go for consultation and a cure for such a shameful existence? I live in the Midwest in a small northern community. Help me!

  7. Richard Lawson (the guy who writes all the show recaps on Gawker) is an amazing writer. He is hilarious and poignant without being twee or cloying. I worship him.