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September 13, 2007

Workplace Hazards

When I'm bored or just thinking really hard about something my gaze tends to unfocus and wander to my right. Unfortunately, when I'm at work a television always tuned to CNN falls directly in my line of vision, and I am thus forced to break my reverie and stare at whatever happens to be on.

Usually it's Calamity TV at its best: a fire at an oil company here, some cops in Florida being shot there, a few consumer crises regarding lead paint and the like and a feel-good story about a foreign kid blasted by an American bomb coming to this country to get pro bono plastic surgery.

But their audience must age drastically in the early afternoon, because the commercials switch from being aimed at middle-aged professionals to stay-at-home old farts. This means infomercials galore, and I often find myself staring with awe and desire at these trinkets that could be mine with a quick call to a 800 number and 14 easy payments.

I've fixated on two products in particular, and will stop whatever I'm doing (unless I'm on the phone with, you know, a senator) to gawk when they appear with frightening regularity between the hours of noon and four.

The first is a neon green, motorized duster that makes dusting faster, easier and more fun than ever to get the very best clean. Cleaning it is a cinch: just run it under water! The ad shows an ecstatic housewife running this technological marvel through her drapes and along a row of porcelain Virgin Marys with the speed, joy and ease of a cokehead chopping the next line.

The second is a walk-in bathtub meant for arthritic senior citizens who have trouble getting in and out of the tub. Last year, when I had a princely salary and was living in a palatial apartment with my own bathroom, one of my favorite pastimes was soaking in a nice hot bubble bath to relax the day away. Now I have a tin can shower I share with a flatulent male roommate. Thus my desire for this tub might just be a projection of longing for my long-lost bathing days of yore, but the fogeys in the commercial look just blissful when they lower themselves into the Chester.

That bliss could be mine.


  1. No, this is not that mean anonymous commenter that heckled from previous posts. This is merely an interested blogger who finds this blog witty and hysterical (i.e. I love it!)
    Anyway, I have also found myself infatuated with infomercials of insane products that I would never take a second look at if I were passing by them in a store.
    I have one question that I have been pondering... Don't you think the duster would just pick the dust up off of the shelves and Virgin Marys' and whip it all over everything else? I can just imagine dust flying all over the room with some delusional housewife smiling like an insane drug addict and proclaiming her house magically dust free!
    I can't imagine this product works at all!

  2. I had to wait all day for the infomercial to replay so I could adequately answer your comment. The duster comes with Go Duster Spray, which you spray on the head before attacking your surfaces. It traps the dust. In fact, I just learned that if you call now you can get a lifetime supply of Go Duster Spray!

    Also: are you truly Anonymous or do you know one of us?

  3. I am truly anonymous. I can thank a boring day at work for the time to look through random blogs and I stumbled upon yours. It made for some great reading while I was pretending to work.

    I was in Bed, Bath, and Beyond this weekend trying to get a last minute bridal shower gift and as I was getting ready to check out I looked up only to find the neon green motorized duster. All I could do was giggle!