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March 29, 2008

An alcoholic housewife thinks I have beautiful legs

Ma Nugget and I joined Curves on Monday, a circuit-style workout haunt for middle-aged women who want to get fit, stay active and have fun with just us gals!

I usually don a sweatshirt and calf-length yoga pants, but I went with shorts yesterday because I couldn't find my desired gear. After sweatin' to the Christian rock set to a techno beat, Ma Nug and I decided to reward ourselves with a few movies from Video Vision next-door. While she put some things in the car I sprinted into the store, my bright-white legs prickling with goosebumps.

"Look at you with your short shorts!" a voice behind me called. "But you have beautiful legs! I like that attitude! Think spring! Think spring! Short shorts! Yeah!"

"Oh... um, thanks," I said. "I was just at Curves, and yeah, my legs are really pale... but thanks."

"But that's natural," she insisted while flopping her hand forward. "Me, I'm going to Arizona next week so I'm tanning a little bit-- did I TELL you the deal I got?"

"Um... no..."

"I went to Pricshline-dot-com and got four tickets--FOUR!-- for $270 easch!" she slurred. "Can you BELIEVE that??? I mean, with fuel prices the way they are." She lowered to a whisper. "That'sch bullshit." She covered her mouth and raised her eyebrows as a 7-year-old walked by. "But seriouthly... that's just CRAP! So yeah, me 'n my two kids are going to Arizona for vacation. Tucson."

At this point Ma Nugs walked in and, seeing an opportunity to escape, I offered, "Tucson? Really? My mom's from there!" As she got entrapped I slowly backed away to gather the DVDs we wanted. When I came back I could see there was no chance we were going to get out of there anytime soon.

She told us about her daughter Tiffany, who's a state-ranked swimmer with a bigger booty than hers. "And she's thish tall!" she exclaimed, reaching far above her head. "She's 6-foot?" Ma asked. "Oh no. She's 5'7''." Tiffany wants to go to a private liberal arts college in the southern part of the state but has concerns about it because another swimmer she doesn't like is planning to go there.

"What middle school do you go to?" she asked me. "Well, I went to Woodland, but I actually graduated from college last year," I said. "NO! But you look so YOUNG! College? No! I don't believe it!"

Back to Tiffany: she's 16 but has just started up with a 21-year-old who's about to graduate from college. "You better believe we shat her down and had a convershation with this young man-- who may be very nisch, but you know how sometimesh young kids get real exshited with each other-- and we just told them you gotta use protection, you know! You've sheen what'sch going on with all these girls today!"

Finally Ma was able to drag us away. After we checked out we saw that she had leeched onto someone new. "Have you ever used Prischline-dot-com???"


  1. curves donates to republicans

  2. word on the street is that urban outfitters does too. it's a crazy world out there.